With light enough for one step at a time

2010-12-07T19:27:00.000-08:00

I want to write a book. I want to get paid to sit in coffee shops and watch people interact. I want to be a connoisieur of Christmas ales and coffees as well as white wines and fancy cheeses. I want to create. I want to cook well. I want to travel. I want to meet people who want to travel together. I want to become a better giver.

My life swings in seasons

2010-11-23T14:38:00.000-08:00

I realized today I'm really a terrible blogger. I'm inconsistent and not very good at remembering to visit my blog often. I am, though, an avid journaler. That being said, I have filled journals recently and documented the changes in my life as much as possible. I love reading back through the progression of certain situations and my overall spirit in general. It's fascinating to me how much I have changed over the past few months. It's also fascinating to me how much I am the same little girl I was 15 years ago.

I long to change the world. I know it is a cliche saying, but I have a burning desire within me to do something radical, unexpected, something I cannot do my my own might but by which the power of the Lord is completely glorified. I believe in my dreams and believe in my passion. I believe, above that, God has created me with this unsettling feeling and drive to live that out. The downfall in that is my tendency to be unsatisfied and discontent. While I tend to be a pretty positive person overall, usually what and what I am doing doesn't ever seem to be enough. Right now, for example, I am giving the majority of my time to working as a server, going to the gym, and being at church/small group/with friends. I believe each of those things are good. I believe each of those has been gifted by God. I feel, though, like I am not fully utilizing my talents and passions.

This leads me to wonder if my dissatisfaction is rooted in God's calling for me as something "bigger and better" or if my dissatisfaction is a weakness of mine to not remain content in whatever state I am in. Sometimes I believe God wants me to be able to look at my situation and just be content for the time being... trusting that His will eventually will take me down new and different paths.

A lot has changed in my life and planning over the past couple of months. (I began typing that my choice to pass up a trip to England has been the biggest change... but on second thought I don't think that's so true). My decision to put off a trip to England, though, was a difficult and humbling time. With 2 months pseudo planned out, I was ready to pack my bags, organize finances and get on the plane from NYC to London. With about a week to go, I realized my uneasiness and the lack of peace and excitement I had. This led to days of crying on the floor...praying God would speak and be real to me. This came with many conversations with people close to my heart and a need to step back and look at the big picture (one of my weaknesses). I knew God would bless my trip if I decided to go, but I also knew He was putting it on my heart to stay around here... work on relationships and explore the blessings I have found in Columbus. In retrospect, I am yet to regret my decision to stay even though I am not where I thought I would be in many ways. God must really not want me to leave this city because even my 4 day trip to Nashville was not successful as my car broke down the night before I planned on leaving... that was actually more disappointing to me than the Europe expedition.

Returning to the thoughts of change... so much has happened within my head and heart as of late. I am continually learning how flawed and human I am. I am selfish. I am often a controller. I am scared. I am scarred. I am prideful. I am jealous. I am extremely irrational. I am human. The past couple of weeks I have seen this in the spotlight. Working on new relationships and growing in those already established... I have been fighting my flesh to be a lover, giver, listener, happy-for-others kind of girl. It's scary how difficult it can be to be vulnerable and trusting. Its crazy to see how many walls I have put up inside of myself. It's frightening to know that we all have brokenness that will forever be apart of our story. Its wild to know that God wants to protect me...my heart, my mind, my existence. It's refreshing to have a hand of a mighty Lord out at all times... offering redemption and fulfillment of voids and pains that have been left.

I have not praised the Lord as I should recently. I have not trusted Him well. I have not been filled with conviction. I have lacked fervor and fascination. I have been trying to be a "thinker" and a "rationalist." In the midst of this... I have been so impressed by the ways God has continually laid things on my heart... opened doors at the right times... given me words of encouragement and challenge from others. Even on the days I can't quire figure out how the Lord is present in this ugly and broken world, He has been there. He has been strong. He has been shining so brightly through beautiful people and beautiful situations.

I'm still struggling to figure out the brokenness of the world and many hearts around me. I know the typical church-y answer is "there is brokenness because we are sinful people." That's all fine and well but sometimes it just doesn't cut it for me. I want DEPTH. I want to MOURN. I want to see people CRYING OUT to the Lord in desperation and need. I want to know that God is tender and His heart is broken over the pain we experience. I want to know that "Thy Kingdom Come" is not just something we teach our children to say before bed but is a call to be Jesus, to be heaven on earth in every way possible. Isn't that our calling, after all? To bring heaven to earth in any way possible?

It would be hypocritical of me to say how frustrated I get with Christians living so comfortably and being satisfied with going to church and putting up a verse as their facebook status every once in awhile... because I know I'm not living it out as I should, but it is tough. Discouraging. Enough to piss me off and send me into a frenzy at times. I have been blessed to be apart of communities of people who are calling out to Jesus and following the call of Jesus... and I guess I can only try to extend that in my own life and extend an invitation to others to join me. This ties back in with my dissatisfaction right now... and maybe it's a call to myself to step up, step out and stop pushing aside the areas in my life that I know I can be more and give more.

I'm A Sucker This Summer For A....

2010-09-08T21:03:00.000-07:00

With the conclusion of summer, I've been thinking about the things that have made this "endless summer" what it has been. It has been the first few months being graduated, so many new experiences, and a whirlwind of emotion. I wouldn't have had it any other way really. I decided instead of making a list of things I "like" I would make a list of the things I am a sucker for (thank you, Copeland for inspiration-(I'm a sucker for a Kind word))... so here it goes.

I'm a sucker for hip hop.
-No matter how hard I've tried to kick this obsession, I've been "feeling like a star, can't stop my shine." I find myself daily awaiting the playing of summer favorites including: Riding Solo, Teach me how to Dougie, Your Love, Airplanes, and most importantly- Pretty Boy Swag. I must admit that I've also fallen victim to a couple of pop songs including Katy Perry's "Teenage Dream" and Miranda Cosgrove's "When I'm Kissing You." There is just something about feeling girly sometimes... Which leads to my next point

I'm a sucker for letting out my inner child
-Not only have I been belting teeny-bopper songs, I have spent time watching ICarly, Big Time Rush, Jonas LA, and Diary of a Wimpy Kid. It all started because I was a nanny and, of course, spending a majority of my time with children... but now I have been guilty of watching these shows on my own time, by my own choice, and enjoying it thoroughly.
-I have been getting the greatest joy out of swinging. I can't think of anything I'd rather do on a sunny afternoon than enjoy a swingset under a tree. Some of my swinging highlights this summer include: Swinging after a long run, with my ipod in and going as high as I could. Swinging at Park of Roses with Sam and Olivia. Going to the Centerburg park and swinging underneath the huge tree there... dreaming of bringing my husband there one day just because it's part of my childhood.

I'm a sucker for language
-I think we spend too much time worrying about what words are "good" and "bad." I think words carry the ability to portray a lot, and we sometimes miss it in the jumble. I enjoy learning new words from people, and hearing phrases and habits they possess. There is beauty in words, but it is often hidden.

I'm a sucker for drinks
-From bubble tea from Poochi or ZenCha (MOMO2?) to a wonderful wine at a great friends wedding (Chenin Blanc... thanks Mr. and Mrs. Jacobs :) ) to a green tea frap, the point is when I splurge, it's usually on a good drink.

I'm a sucker for plaid
-Just like I told a friend a couple weeks ago... all guys just look better in plaid! (Take note that he asked to then go shopping for plaid shirts) I'm getting excited about the changing weather, and the opportunity to wear plaid myself.

I'm a sucker for adventure
-Who would have thought I'd have the strongest desire to ride a motorcycle... and then absolutely love it when I get to ride? I just want to live an adventure.

I'm a sucker for longing for more
-I have found this in all my relationships... I always want more- more depth, more time, more memories. I have seen this in my walk with the Lord the past few months. Though some seasons have been stronger than others, there has been a longing in me to tap into the greatness of God. I was really challenged early this summer with how much I take for granted when it comes to loving the Lord. I have learned to expect more from God. By that I mean I believe He can come to us, answer prayers, and be as real as we allow Him to be. Thank God He is so much bigger than the ways I often limit Him.

I'm a sucker for having my windows down
-For real, I can't think of anything better than driving with the windows down and music turned up. I have gone many days without having to dry or style my hair because I just let the wind dry it while I'm driving. I have also had a few opportunities to sing to the car next to me at a stop light without being aware of it...

I'm a sucker for culture
-I am fascinated by how much diversity exists in our world... and even just in Columbus. This summer I got to explore culture though a few dance lessons, conversations, and just interactions with new friends. This may be why I'm so driven to travel and experience the world. Gosh, I just want to soak it up.

I'm a sucker for atmosphere
-Put me in a fun atmosphere and I'm content. Some of my favorite summer atmospheres include: Bodega, the Iuka House, Travonna, High St. in general. This also includes the outdoors I have loved so much this summer- sunrises, long runs, woods with animals, jumping on a trampoline. The outdoors are really wonderful.

I'm a sucker for time to myself
-This is a new one in my life. I can't remember ever enjoying alone time like I have this summer. It has been really refreshing actually. I have cried by myself, laughed out loud to myself, and done things that I used to think were never to be done alone: ie going out to dinner, browsing the shops on high st , going to church.

I'm a sucker for Sundays
-This is a loaded one. First of all, I'm a sucker for Vineyard Columbus. To be honest, I didn't really like VC when I first went last year. The more I am there, though, the more I want to be there as much as possible. I seriously hate missing service. I love the things that are happening in the community and around the world. I also love worshiping in such a diverse group of believers... it's amazing how a common bond in Jesus can bring together so many souls.
-Sundays have had a wonderful routine this summer: Church, Starbucks, Joshua House, Chipotle. I look forward to this routine all week long. Mainly because it always turns out fun, I love seeing people, and even with the best of intentions... I never get through my to do list at Starbucks... mainly because of the next point-

I'm a sucker for conversations with strangers
-I straight up THRIVE on this. Usually I meet someone new in Starbucks, thus not getting my journaling or reading done. I believe, though, conversations are worth it :) I love meeting new people and hearing their stories... from the man I met who is a financial planner for Vyard, to the man who runs an exotic animal educational program, to friends of friends from Joshua House... there is always a story to share. I also have loved meeting people at Iuka and other parties... It is so fun to be surrounded by passionate people who are going against the norm to live out their lives. That inspiration is irreplacable. Then there's meeting people while watching the OSU football game... How about that, Olivia... and she has to remind me that not everyone is looking for just a friendly conversation. I can be naive sometimes... which leads me to my last and favorite point

I'm a sucker for incredible friends
-My summer has been what it is because I have been able to share it with people I love doing life with. I love still being so close to Kelly, my high school best friend that has carried on through the years. Just tonight, even, we attempted P90x yoga... and we were partially successful but sometimes our laughter just broke the calm mood... we probably burned more calories that way anyways, though. I have spent countless hours sharing life with Olivia and Sam. I really can't compare the fun we've had to anything else. I have also been able to make a lot of new friendships and grow in some that I didn't even expect.
-Best friends always know what to say, even if it's just "What the hell?!" And I really love that.
-It's great to be able to share your dumbest thoughts
-It's great to have support when you do something that was probably stupid...
-It's great to have support when you do something really wonderful
-It's great to look at one another and not have to say a word... but just bust out laughing

Renewal

2010-03-08T20:34:00.000-08:00

Today I could not take my eyes off the sunshine. I was amazed to walk outside and feel it beating down on my back. I was amazed to look up at the sky and see clearness and beauty. I was loving even the sight of the brown dead grass on the ground...all because it leads me to think about renewal.

I woke up today feeling so privileged to be filled with the joy of the Lord. It is not a privilege I can take lightly, for I have been entrusted with the joy of the Lord to share with others on my path. In recent days I have been considering the importance of the beaten path. It is not only our responsibility to care about the injustices that are dominant all around the world, but it is important for us to pour our efforts and passions into the beaten paths of our daily lives. We can speak renewal into others. Honestly, it is easier for me to care about and proclaim the injustices that reign afar. It is more difficult to see what is right in front of me, and to remember that God's purpose for me to be at this place at this time is greater than my perspective can give light to.

Today we began interviews for new SGA members. This was a reminder of renewal for me. It is a bit sad, because after two years of service, I will be moving on and hoping I can leave enough to positively impact those who are following. It is coming up on the end of a journey for me, but the exciting thing is I believe God will redirect and renew my passions for leadership and channel it in a new way- a way I have yet to see.

Spring is such a testament of renewal. From the brown grass that will soon flourish and turn it's beautiful shade of green, to becoming reacquainted with sunny days and those bright rays that seem to make everyone more joyful, to the sound of the birds that will be adorning our windows and the trees outside our apartment...so much renewal is coming to life.

I've never considered just how perfect the time of Lent and the Resurrection are. We are in a time of dying to ourselves, weeding out bad habits, and coming to terms with our need for the Lord. Just as the earth is still facing it's patterns of death, so are our souls. There is encouragement in that time, though, because we know the resurrection is soon to come! Just as Jesus rises from the grave after a tragic death, we too can be resurrected. We are able to overcome the death and focus on life-giving patterns in our lives. Through recent changes and uncertainties in my life, I have been evaluating my own patterns, what drives me, and where I focus my time. I often spend so much time worrying, that I forsake the gift of each day...I forget to be a blessing to others and breathe life into them because I am caught up in an attempt to control situations that I have no power over. I see this in my relationships, my job search, my classes... while I may have a long way to go, it is so exciting to know that God is revealing these death habits to me so that I may be free from them and free to live in the peace and joy of new life. I have no idea where that takes me in many situations, but as I have been meditating on, God promises to be our companion through each step. I want to take the steps He directs, because I want to live in harmony with Him.

I have been reading Henri Nouwen's Life of the Beloved. I can say that God's truths have become so near to me through this. When I think about my desire to live a life of service, this has meant a lot to me:
"I can give that gift only insofar as I have claimed it for myself"
So that's what I'm doing, that's what I'm focusing on- allowing myself to be the beloved. To be filled and completed through the love of a perfect Savior whose love has nothing to do with how well I love Him back.

My soul is restless until it rests in you, O God.

May you be the beloved- may you live in the renewal of the spirit that guides us and allows us to embark in life-giving patterns and a path to righteousness.

2010-01-04T11:25:00.000-08:00

Light for the next step is meaning a lot to me right now. It's requiring patience and faith from me. Here is the start of 2010, the year I graduate and must take the next step of faith in the course of my life. Granted there is plenty to enjoy before that-the last semester of college, the times with friends, adventures-but there is always lingering in my mind the question of where I will journey after this.

My dreams are endless or as Owl City puts it, "bursting at the seams." I believe that living a life in God's will means living extraordinary. Not necessarily in the sense of extravagant or even recognizable, but something outside of ourselves and outside of anything we could accomplish on our own. It is incredible to think I don't have to limit myself to my own abilities, but walking with God opens doors to things I can't even imagine. That is exciting, but it's also quite frightening. It's strange to think that my life's purpose could lie in something I have not even pondered before.

I am pursuing the next steps the best I can. I have went through an interview process for Teach For America. I have hopes of getting a job with TFA and having the opportunity to teach in a low-income setting. It just seems to encompass so many opportunities to empower others-to reach out to children who need encouragement, and to challenge myself to grow at the same time.

Empowering others is the only direction I feel very affirmed in so far. I feel a call to use everything I receive in life to encourage and empower others to excel. I feel called to be humble, to be a resource, and to show others the abilities they have within themselves and with the Lord. I just keep praying God will continue to pave my way and make it known to me. Though I sometimes pray for immediate direction, I know God doesn't work that way, and hey, it wouldn't be as exciting if He did. Therefore, I'm trying to embrace this time of uncertainty and all it has to offer for me.

In the latest MVNU NOW magazine, I was privileged with the opportunity to write about my time in Kenya. That, along with the many pictures I have received as gifts and the opportunities to continue sharing my story has put Kenya on my heart so much lately. I don't think a day goes by without my heart being drawn to it. I long to find what purpose that has in my life. I admire the African life in many ways, and I see many ways in which the poverty leaves room for a lot of work that still needs to be done. I believe God will keep this in my heart throughout my life-whether that means I will return there to work with building leadership within the villages, or whether that means I work to raise awareness or work hard to have the means to provide for an orphanage or something of the like....I don't know, but I am filled with ideas and dreams.

Reading through The Last Lecture this past week, I have felt enabled by my dreams. So often we write them off as distant and unobtainable, but I have allowed myself to challenge that idea. I have always dreamed of helping people, of living a life worth telling a story of and of experiencing the world. I'm not letting go of those dreams, but have learned that sometimes they are shaped in ways that do not fit the box I once made for them. That is our God- He is surprising and above our thoughts, and that is so admirable.

On New Years' Eve I spent hours until 6:30 am dialoguing with friends. There is much to be said about the wisdom and experiences we are able to share with one another. We worked through the idea of faith, the fact that we will never KNOW all the answers to the mystery of God, and the importance of evaluating just why we believe what we do. After all, if we are modeling our lives after something, we better be putting our intelligence and heart into that. It is refreshing to know that I have the ability to doubt, to step back and question things, and to come from that more and more amazed by my Savior. Truth is, I believe because I have seen glimpses of hope in the midst of despair. I know that humans are so flawed. I know that without a God, there is little hope. I know that there IS hope and I can be apart of that only because I have the love and strength of a Father who has enabled me. This hope is why I believe I can pursue my dreams, I can dream big, and I can know that God has instilled these dreams in me so that I can work towards serving Him in the gifts and abilities He has given me. I am determining to not put my dreams in a box, but to work hard and see the hand of God and the hope he provides in ways that I would never expect.

2009-07-30T11:56:00.000-07:00

Well it has been awhile since I have updated…and I can say that so much has happened in my life in Africa!

I sit and think that I only have 3 more days here and it is so crazy. It is truly bittersweet. Everytime I look into the eyes of any of these beautiful children I pray to God that I have a chance to come back and see them grow.

A couple of weeks ago I spent a few days in Nairobi with some people. We were able to visit a couple other orphanages, a school in a desperate village, and the Kibera slums which is the largest slum in Kenya. There was so much to process from that time. It was nice to see some other programs that are reaching out to give hope to people. At one of the orphanages, they were celebrating getting their first car-and all 15 or 20 kids were so excited, piling into the back and looking it over. That one old car was such a blessing to that place. We met a girl from Canada who was volunteering there for the summer and it was amazing to hear about the fundraising and support she is raising for the orphanage. She has an excellent heart of giving to others and it is so neat to network with people who want to do something great to change the world. While in Nairobi we also spent time with a woman who was visiting for a conference. She does a counseling ministry in Zimbabwe so it was neat to hear her heart and how God has been moving in her life.

Going to Kibera was quite an experience. Words can’t capture the stench of urine and trash everywhere and the many many people crammed into small houses and a small area. Today we went to an IDP (Internally Displaced Persons) camp and the situation was similar. The really heartbreaking thing at the IDP was that these people have no control of their situations. They lost their homes and what they had during a time of rioting and violence, and they have been given no way out. Corruption rules the camp as many donations will be taken over by the heads of the camp and used for personal benefit and the people have not found a way to overcome those leaders because of the force they have built up. Therefore, these people are forced to live in 10x10 shacks. I went in one today and I just can’t grasp how that is a way of life. It doesn’t seem right in any way. Coincidentely as I was so upset about the corruption here today, I read in my bible a chapter about obeying the leaders of the land because God has placed them there. It is really challenging for me to think that God has placed such corruption and I am battling in my mind what that really means for these people. There are 4 thousand people on 3 acres of land. Can you imagine living so close to so many people? In the house I visited, a man was pointing out all the different parts of the house. I saw a little fire in the middle of the floor, a few shelves, and boards on the ground with some coats and blankets which served as beds. Why, God, why must people live in such awful conditions? It is really challenging to face and I feel as though I can not provide much help. I am glad that I will be able to donate some towards getting blankets for every family, but they need so much more. As we were leaving, there was a worship service going on. The people here love God so outwardly and it really takes me back to look at their situation and then look at their joy and praise. It doesn’t really make sense, but it shows how God has called us to turn to His faithfulness above anything else.

Over the past week and a half, we have taken in 6 new children. Joy is about 5 or 6 months and she lives in the room with Sara and I. She is precious and has big eyes and an adorable smile. It will be hard to hand her over to someone else’s care. Milka is about 3 years old and so so cute. She was taken from her home where her mother is dying of Aids and was unable to take care of her children. The neighbors said Milka was often found digging through the village garbage for any food. I love her so much. She was afraid of me, and any other white person, the first day, but since then she has ran into my arms, and gives me lots and lots of kisses. She also has a laugh and smile that just melts me! Hope is about 2-3 weeks old. She is 6 lbs and so tiny but she has a full head of black hair. Oh my goodness she is so precious. I look at her and I just can’t fathom how someone can abandon a beautiful child. All the kids here have such heartbreaking stories…and it doesn’t seem quite right. Hope came with the name Faith, but since we already have a girl named Faith we decided to change it so now we have Faith, Hope, and Joy J It just makes sense JWe have taken in 3 others from the Nairobi Rescue Center. Lucy is probably 5 years old and she has a very strong personality. She takes a lot of patience from me because she likes to be defiant and mock me all the time. We have learned a little about her past and think she came from an abusive home, so I really enjoy just hugging her and kissing her forhead, even when my stress levels are skyrocketing! Peter is 4 and he picked us. When we first went to the Nairobi home, he really took to Sara and I and we kept saying we had to go back and get him. He is so cute and he has a wonderful smile and he can’t remember my name so he just calls me “Howareyou” which is the phrase they relate to white people. Haha. Richard is our other new boy and he is probably 5 or 6. ( I say probably because since they are abandoned, we don’t really know how old they are so we go by the estimates that were given when they were rescued, and our own estimate). Richard is a very sweet and quiet boy and I think he is going to be really smart.
These are 6 more reasons it will be hard to leave this place.

I have really enjoyed the staff here as well. I’ve learned how to mash potatoes with a huge wooden spoon, I have bagged potatoes and learned more about gardening, and I have watched the men build a new animal barn. There is one woman, Jane, who will be so hard to leave. I have been able to cook with her, watch the kids with her, and just talk so much with her. She is a woman who can do anything and I love her ambition. She is so inspiring and when she told me she doesn’t know what she will do without me, I almost cried.

God has been so good to me through this whole experience. I really feel closer to Him in prayer and in just a relationship with a best friend that He is. I have had my challenging days, but I have always came through with joy and a purpose for everything. I have been challenged this summer to really give my all everyday. Especially when it comes to my calling to counseling, I want to be the best I can so I can give the best to those in need. I have been challenged in thinking about my future. It is kind of exciting, though, to just say “Ok God-here I am and I have no idea what’s next so you have to take me!” And I am excited to see where life goes.
I miss you friends! I am excited to hear about everyone’s summers and just share experiences together. I am also really excited to show off my 1000 pictures and let you see the faces of these wonderful people and the scenes of this beautiful place that has been my home and community. I will always carry apart of Kenya with me and it is such a huge part of my life story. For that, I am so grateful. See you soon America!

The beauty of Simplicity

2009-07-09T04:50:00.000-07:00

It is another beautiful day in Africa! I am halfway done with my time here and it is such a bittersweet thing. One part of me can’t imagine leaving here. I can’t imagine waking up to anything but the yells of the kids, the cows, and the awful bird we hear every morning. I can’t imagine not doing homework after school and just being away from this place that has taken me in and made me feel like such a part of a big family! On the other hand, I can’t wait to get back and see my family, friends, and Nate and share a summer of experiences.

Today I am just amazed at how beautiful children are. This morning I was holding and feeding baby Jacob, and I believe God made us all so perfectly. He just fits right in my arms and is so snug-I just love it! As I was playing with the younger ones this afternoon, I just feel God’s warmth through their precious smiles, hugs, kisses, and laughter. It is a very beautiful thing.

Tuesday we were able to go with a man from the church and visit 4 primary schools. It’s very strange to step out a van and be swarmed by children just wanted to say Hi and shake your hand. I am having a bit of a difficult time dealing with that kind of attention because it really seems that Kenyans believe the white American has it all and has it all together, and that’s not true. I try to wave and smile as much as possible in hopes that they will see I am just a child of God like everyone else. In one of the schools, a teacher asked his students- How many of you would like to be able to visit America someday? Every hand went up, and then he told them, Work hard and maybe you can. Then he turned to us and said- America is a dreamland for us. I had to walk out of the room because that just humbled me to the point of tears. I’m not sure how to feel about it and I’m really processing some things in regards to situations such as that one.
The schools was a humbling thing altogether. Many students had no shoes, the floors were all dirt, they had to copy their homework from the board for every problem, and there is no lunch offered. Some can afford to bring their own, some can’t. The things we take for granted….Students compete to get into high school and college and they work so so hard. I can’t believe it all.

Some pretty exciting news- I got to see monkeys just swinging in trees the other day! It was when we went to pick up the older kids from school and our van had to be the school bus for the day and take other kids home because the bus was broken down. So we were there waiting with the kids, and it was really fun because they showed us their classroom, some dances, and introduced us to their friends…we got tons of pictures! While we were there the boys spotted some monkeys so we ran down the road to watch them! It was really neat to see them just in their natural habitat. I’m not sure if I will go on a safari or to a park of any kind while I am here, but I like just seeing the animals doing their everyday life!

There are so many things I’ve learned so far and I know the next 3 ½ weeks will be packed with fun and even more learning. I’ve really learned to appreciate hard work because these people work so hard everyday and they thank God that they have the health and work to do so! I want to always appreciate what I have and work hard for things. I have learned a lot about parenting and I think this summer will make me a better mother and wife! I’m really thankful for how God has allowed me to experience that. I’ve learned so much about prayer as I have been praying for so many people daily and have found the time to pray…which is something that is such a challenge back home.
I am looking forward to the opportunity to visit more places and see more things and interact with more people and just witness God’s beauty in so many different ways. Everytime I look out at the mountains here, I am just taken back. There is a quote above the computer that says, “Faith beings where mans power ends.” I have seen over and over that my power is very limited, and to have faith is to have so much. The renewal of my spirit is something that has been needed for me, and I thank God for his gentle reminders of how much I need him.

As I continue on today and with the rest of my journey here, I’m thankful for every day and every experience and I can’t wait to share more when I get home. Please continue to pray that God’s hand will be over this place and continually working in this wonderful land and also for his protection and blessings back home. That has to be the hardest part being away from home, but I am daily trusting that God hears my hearts desires to be back with my family and friends soon, and His provisions are beyond adequate. Thank you!

Another update :)

2009-06-27T07:42:00.000-07:00

Hello again from Kenya :)
Things are really wonderful here, and today has been the most beautiful day! I can’t even convey how wonderful it is to sit in the sun with the kids, feel the breeze, hear the animals and no other distracting sounds, see the mountainside in the distance under the mountains and just praise God for His beautiful creation!

I have been learning many new things, which makes me excited.
1. I learned how to milk a cow (without a machine). This is not to say I am good, strong, or quick, but I know how.
2. I have learned to plow a field by hand. Again, this doesn’t mean I am very good, but I know how to put that hand tool in the ground until my fingers are blistered!
3. I learned to deal with the driving. I am actually doing alright and not closing my eyes and thinking “oh no!” in my head at all times. I have learned to watch the wonderful scenery and appreciate not having a radio in the van.
4. I have learned that God’s mercy and peace are new everyday. There have been times I have woken up very homesick, but God has given me days full of so much fun and His strength and I am always reminded of His divine appointment of me here at this time.

I have learned much more from just sitting and talking with the women, and helping the kids with homework at night. I have visited the open market in Naivasha as well as the store. At the market, we were definitely stand-outs and I was asked by an older man if I was married. I said yes…. Whoops.

I have really been learning about prayer and trusting in God. Everyday I have been praying for my family and friends, and for the wonderful community I have become apart of here. I have really enjoyed helping with the daily duties and seeing how people work together for a common good without so much of the things we have back home. At one time I thought these people just needed the conveniences we have in America. Now I think in America we need to step back and see the simplicity of life and joy as these villages know it. I have been reading a prayer book from Desmond Tutu and he talks about all the different nations and how no one is better or superior to the other, but we all have so much to give and can learn from one another. I pray my time here allows me to learn much that I can bring home and bless others with.

Thank you to everyone praying for me and supporting me, that is what gets me through the days. Keep praying!

2009-06-19T04:02:00.000-07:00

Hello from Kenangop, Kenya!

I am here! I arrived on Wednesday afternoon to a beautiful village. Tuesday night I flew in to Nairobi and stayed at a woman's house and then went the next morning to exchange some money and come out to the orphanage!

I have seen so many things in such a short amount of time! I have seen the city, the villages, and the mountain range. This is a beautiful land!

It has not taken long to fall in love with these children...there are 5 younger children who are home for the most part of the day, and the older kids who go to school until evening. We have spent a lot of time playing with the younger kids...they love to climb, rub our white skin, and play with our hair! The have the cutest laughs you could ever imagine, and their smiles melt my heart in an instant! This morning I got out some finger puppets that Deb (nate's mom) got for them...they loved trying to make the animal noises (which mostly just turned into growls!)

The older kids love to make up stories and grab our feet under the table when we are supposed to be eating dinner! They have lots of questions and we help them with their homework as much as we can...and then they try to have us read Swahili, and they get quite a kick out of that!

The staff here have been very helpful and hospitable. We are well taken care of and safe!
It has certainly been interesting being the definite minority. When we walk the younger kids to school, or drive to pick up the older ones, we get many looks and most people wave and are friendly. Many kids will just stop and look at u s, though, because we are such an unusual site for them! It is neat to think about how God made us all...and we all have our individual beauty! Yesterday when we picked the younger kids up from school, the rest of the village kids walked home with us and even tried to come into the gates...we had to tell them to go to their homes. They were so fascinated with our freckles and hair, though!

It has been a tough adjustment, being so far from home and everything comfortable...but God has really been at work in me and I trust He will continue to use each day to form my heart and I hope I can give all I have to these kids and this community each day.

Please continue to pray for me, and for this beautiful village I am apart of for 45 more days. May God's love be so real here...and with you at home!

One week until Kenya

2009-06-08T08:23:00.001-07:00

I am sitting at home amazed that in one week I will be boarding a plane for Kenya. It is so amazing to look back at how this started as a tug on my heart, and now here I am packing my bags and taking care of last-minute details. There was a time when I did not think I could raise the money, get things together, and see this happen. I couldn't, but God has really shown up and amazed me yet again. The worst of it is over-I got my shots. Oh how I hate needles. I have also been gathering some clothing, mostly warm, because it is actually winter in Kenya right now. That is probably the thing i expected least! I have my itinerary, passport, insurance all together. I have had the wonderful opportunity to sit and talk with my family and share my heart with them. I have been able to visit friends and spend late summer nights with the boy I love. It has been a great couple of weeks as I have been preparing and try to seize every moment of life!
Last week, I had the opportunity to meet up with Jane, the founder of the orphange and also Kristine, a Kenyan women who serves as the administrator. My mom and I along with Sara and her mom were able to meet up with these ladies for lunch and hear all about Into Abbas Arms and some things that will probably shape our summer. I had to try so hard to hold back the tears as I heard stories of the children and their personalities. I heard about the other ministries IAA has such as giving out clean water to the community once a week and looking towards providing some better schooling for young kids of the orphange and community. As far as expectations, I have tried to keep them at a minimum. I truly want to embrace each day and experience what God has for me. I believe He placed this on my heart to continue shaping me and the way I live the rest of my life. I expect to fall in love with those children and their precious hearts such as these: Ruth and Jacob
I expect to miss summer a little. I expect to have days when I just can't stand being away from Nate and others. I expect to see gorgeous sights and know that God's hand is the reason for creation everywhere. I expect to love as much as possible even when it is difficult. I expect to be blown away by God's never-ending grace and commitment to me. I guess those are quite a few expectations, but I'm trying!
I wish there was a practical way to really show my appreciation for all the support I have received. Yeah I have sent thank-you letters and shared hugs. Yeah I have tried to keep others updated on what is going on, but I can't emphasize the beauty of other people as much as I would like to. I have had support and prayers from all over, and I know it will never cease. I have a wonderful family and friends who help me to stand tall and pursue dreams and callings. There is such beauty in the body of believers, and I have been reminded that very strongly lately. This week, I continue to pack, take care of things that need done for the summer, and pray for God's guiding hand in every step that I take. One week...wow.

Half way there!

2009-05-16T12:59:00.000-07:00

I am amazed to think that I will be leaving in ONE MONTH for Kenya! Wow. How exciting! I am over half way there with my finances, and it has been so encouraging to have so many people come together and support me. Each donation really has touched my heart as I experience the giving nature of so many people. It challenges me to be giving at all times, as well. May I remember the gift I have been given and extend those same blessings to others!

Right now my mind has really been set on wrapping up the school year. It is sad to have yet another year done, and to think that I only have one year left here. It has also been fun to join Nate as he has been preparing for graduation and the next step in his life. He truly amazes me everyday.

There are so many things to do in the next month! I have enjoyed writing thank-you cards, being in contact with people I haven't talked to in awhile, and seeing where I can get my vaccinations the cheapest! Shots are never fun, so that's a touchy subject....
I am thinking about what to take, and how to save room to bring back a piece of Kenya with me (and if I at all could...I would bring back one of the children!)

As I continue preparing...I have been praying that God would be opening my eyes to every step of this adventure...from being so thankful for the gifts I have been given, to preparing to live without many conveniences I have here, to asking Him to really shape my heart to be a lifelong servant to others. What a privilege it is to work for the Lord...I pray that kind of work is my daily life.

A genesis week

2009-04-30T20:41:00.000-07:00

As I have been preparing for Kenya, so many things have come across my heart. There are days when I'm really nervous...I am not seeing enough money for this to be possible, and wonder if I will. I hear stories that make me a little scared, and I wonder how God will change my life if this opportunity goes through.

There are days when I am so excited I don't know what to do. I am pumped about pursuing a dream and doing something out of the ordinary. I am expecting God to really take hold of my heart and continue shaping my passions to serve others. I see pictures of the kids or hear stories about them, and I can't wait to be apart of that. I believe that this trip is a calling from Him, and so I lay my own worries aside and trust in Him. The biggest blessing so far is having people's encouragement- through donations that are unexpected to the words in a card that were just needed that particular day....

The other night, a Psalm was really on my heart. Psalm 51. I have been using a NIV/Message side by side bible, and have really enjoyed being able to compare verses and ways of considering God's words to us. There are two lines in particular that have really grabbed my heart-
" God, make a fresh start in me,
shape a Genesis week from the chaos of my life. "

I wonder what it fully means to allow God to shape a Genesis week out of our chaos. For me, I think it has meant giving up my hurts, my doubts, my pains and letting God show His incredible powers and mercy as He makes something that is beautiful and good.

The other verse I have loved is-
"I learned God-worship
when my pride was shattered.
Heart-shattered lives ready for love
don't for a moment escape God's notice."

How wonderful it is to think that we learn how to worship God, how to be ready for love when our pride and hearts are shattered, torn, broken and ready to let Him take control.

Kenya- The beginnings

2009-04-07T22:59:00.000-07:00

Wow. I can't believe I am anticipating and preparing for a trip to Kenya.
Here's the story....

I have been praying about this summer and where God would take me. I had a job offer, but didn't feel entirely peaceful about it. Over spring break, Sara Crabtree and I were talking and she told me about a trip she is taking. She has organized to go to an orphanage, Into Abba's Arms, for the summer to help with the children and have an awesome experience. She told me that she has been seeking someone to go on this trip with her. Once I heard that, I was filled with so much excitement and knew this was something to pursue.

I have been praying about it, and believe this is a great chance that God has given me and has given me peace about. I am a bit nervous right now, because I have about 2 months to get my passport, plane ticket, etc. It is exciting, though, to trust God in something that I know I cannot accomplish myself.

It is my prayer that my friends and family will be excited about this and prayerfully consider supporting me in both prayer and finanical support.

I plan to use this blog as an update on how things are going, and hopefully update a couple times from Kenya this summer.

Thank you for joining me on this awesome journey. I can't imagine life without the love and support I find in friends and family on a daily basis. Our Lord is the provider, and His love is so beautiful!

No day but today

2008-05-01T22:17:00.000-07:00

sitting here watching Rent in Galloway lobby...

a few comments were made about the appropriateness of the movie and whether we should watch it out in a public lobby...I don't know many better movies to encourage. Yes-there are issues that as Christians we should not promote, but there is much value in accepting and loving those people despite their difficulties. I'm probably not going to encourage homosexuality and prostitution, but I have a lot of respect for the openness and honesty demonstrated.

I have decided this may be one of my favorite movies. With blatant honesty, struggles are not masked-not covered by a fake attempt at perfection. With the song "Take me as I am" playing in the background, I can only envision the possibilities for a community like this.

What makes us think that by being a Christian it means we conceal our failures, temptations, struggles? Why do we feel like we have to one up each other and not let people see our true insecurities?

As the body of Christ it seems to me our purpose is to help one another-to forgive, accept, encourage our brothers and sisters. instead we do goo deeds, put on a smile and "i'm good" attitude. What's so wrong with our needs-the voids in our very own hearts and the cries we cannot always understand ourselves. Yes, I believe Christ wants to and will heal us, but I think He has given us a body of believers in order to help us through that.

I am facing this in my own life. A couple weeks ago I was able to have a time of confession with my college pastor. It was real-it was deep, imperfect, ugly sin. The process of bringing it to light was beautiful. My soul was refreshed and by bringing that to the surface, I have been able to learn a lot more about myself, my past and how it affects my future.
This is not a traumatic experience, it is exhilarating.

I wonder what it would take for us to be comfortable with who we are-so comfortable that we let others see beyond the layers and layers we pile on....

...take me as i am.

2007-11-28T22:38:00.000-08:00

Beauty is found in the most unexpected places.

God allows himself to be shown in the most "unexpected" people by definition of our world, and sometimes even our church.

Last night I was at the Harbor-this is where I learn so much about Jesus, about His compassion, His forgiveness, His strong hand. It had been a good night, but my heart was missing something- a sense of deep fellowship. God answered my prayers through the conversation of my friend there
.
He began telling me a little about his life... his past, his day to day living, his fright of not making it to the next paycheck. Then his eyes lit up as he told me about Kayla-his 4 year old daughter. He doesn't have custody of his daughter, and rarely gets to see her. There was something, though, in the way he talked about her. He explained to me the joy that comes from this young and radiant life. He went on about his waking everyday knowing he has a purpose to provide for this girl. Although he is often worried about providing for himself, he is sure that he will always provide for Kayla-why? Because she is his reason to wake, his reason to walk an hour to work in the morning, his reason to smile and know that time with her is worth the world. She is his light in a darkened world.

As he continued on about Christmas, visitations, and any time with Kayla, my heart was tender. I couldn't believe the way he actively pursued the best interest of his daughter...no matter what it took on his part.

This love of a father painted such a beautiful picture in my mind. And I realized, I'm loved like that. I'm pursued. I'm desired. I'm a joy to the creator of the universe.
Talk about wonderful...