I want to write a book. I want to get paid to sit in coffee shops and watch people interact. I want to be a connoisieur of Christmas ales and coffees as well as white wines and fancy cheeses. I want to create. I want to cook well. I want to travel. I want to meet people who want to travel together. I want to become a better giver.

My life swings in seasons

I realized today I'm really a terrible blogger. I'm inconsistent and not very good at remembering to visit my blog often. I am, though, an avid journaler. That being said, I have filled journals recently and documented the changes in my life as much as possible. I love reading back through the progression of certain situations and my overall spirit in general. It's fascinating to me how much I have changed over the past few months. It's also fascinating to me how much I am the same little girl I was 15 years ago.

I long to change the world. I know it is a cliche saying, but I have a burning desire within me to do something radical, unexpected, something I cannot do my my own might but by which the power of the Lord is completely glorified. I believe in my dreams and believe in my passion. I believe, above that, God has created me with this unsettling feeling and drive to live that out. The downfall in that is my tendency to be unsatisfied and discontent. While I tend to be a pretty positive person overall, usually what and what I am doing doesn't ever seem to be enough. Right now, for example, I am giving the majority of my time to working as a server, going to the gym, and being at church/small group/with friends. I believe each of those things are good. I believe each of those has been gifted by God. I feel, though, like I am not fully utilizing my talents and passions.

This leads me to wonder if my dissatisfaction is rooted in God's calling for me as something "bigger and better" or if my dissatisfaction is a weakness of mine to not remain content in whatever state I am in. Sometimes I believe God wants me to be able to look at my situation and just be content for the time being... trusting that His will eventually will take me down new and different paths.

A lot has changed in my life and planning over the past couple of months. (I began typing that my choice to pass up a trip to England has been the biggest change... but on second thought I don't think that's so true). My decision to put off a trip to England, though, was a difficult and humbling time. With 2 months pseudo planned out, I was ready to pack my bags, organize finances and get on the plane from NYC to London. With about a week to go, I realized my uneasiness and the lack of peace and excitement I had. This led to days of crying on the floor...praying God would speak and be real to me. This came with many conversations with people close to my heart and a need to step back and look at the big picture (one of my weaknesses). I knew God would bless my trip if I decided to go, but I also knew He was putting it on my heart to stay around here... work on relationships and explore the blessings I have found in Columbus. In retrospect, I am yet to regret my decision to stay even though I am not where I thought I would be in many ways. God must really not want me to leave this city because even my 4 day trip to Nashville was not successful as my car broke down the night before I planned on leaving... that was actually more disappointing to me than the Europe expedition.

Returning to the thoughts of change... so much has happened within my head and heart as of late. I am continually learning how flawed and human I am. I am selfish. I am often a controller. I am scared. I am scarred. I am prideful. I am jealous. I am extremely irrational. I am human. The past couple of weeks I have seen this in the spotlight. Working on new relationships and growing in those already established... I have been fighting my flesh to be a lover, giver, listener, happy-for-others kind of girl. It's scary how difficult it can be to be vulnerable and trusting. Its crazy to see how many walls I have put up inside of myself. It's frightening to know that we all have brokenness that will forever be apart of our story. Its wild to know that God wants to protect me...my heart, my mind, my existence. It's refreshing to have a hand of a mighty Lord out at all times... offering redemption and fulfillment of voids and pains that have been left.

I have not praised the Lord as I should recently. I have not trusted Him well. I have not been filled with conviction. I have lacked fervor and fascination. I have been trying to be a "thinker" and a "rationalist." In the midst of this... I have been so impressed by the ways God has continually laid things on my heart... opened doors at the right times... given me words of encouragement and challenge from others. Even on the days I can't quire figure out how the Lord is present in this ugly and broken world, He has been there. He has been strong. He has been shining so brightly through beautiful people and beautiful situations.

I'm still struggling to figure out the brokenness of the world and many hearts around me. I know the typical church-y answer is "there is brokenness because we are sinful people." That's all fine and well but sometimes it just doesn't cut it for me. I want DEPTH. I want to MOURN. I want to see people CRYING OUT to the Lord in desperation and need. I want to know that God is tender and His heart is broken over the pain we experience. I want to know that "Thy Kingdom Come" is not just something we teach our children to say before bed but is a call to be Jesus, to be heaven on earth in every way possible. Isn't that our calling, after all? To bring heaven to earth in any way possible?

It would be hypocritical of me to say how frustrated I get with Christians living so comfortably and being satisfied with going to church and putting up a verse as their facebook status every once in awhile... because I know I'm not living it out as I should, but it is tough. Discouraging. Enough to piss me off and send me into a frenzy at times. I have been blessed to be apart of communities of people who are calling out to Jesus and following the call of Jesus... and I guess I can only try to extend that in my own life and extend an invitation to others to join me. This ties back in with my dissatisfaction right now... and maybe it's a call to myself to step up, step out and stop pushing aside the areas in my life that I know I can be more and give more.

I'm A Sucker This Summer For A....

With the conclusion of summer, I've been thinking about the things that have made this "endless summer" what it has been. It has been the first few months being graduated, so many new experiences, and a whirlwind of emotion. I wouldn't have had it any other way really. I decided instead of making a list of things I "like" I would make a list of the things I am a sucker for (thank you, Copeland for inspiration-(I'm a sucker for a Kind word))... so here it goes.

I'm a sucker for hip hop.
-No matter how hard I've tried to kick this obsession, I've been "feeling like a star, can't stop my shine." I find myself daily awaiting the playing of summer favorites including: Riding Solo, Teach me how to Dougie, Your Love, Airplanes, and most importantly- Pretty Boy Swag. I must admit that I've also fallen victim to a couple of pop songs including Katy Perry's "Teenage Dream" and Miranda Cosgrove's "When I'm Kissing You." There is just something about feeling girly sometimes... Which leads to my next point

I'm a sucker for letting out my inner child
-Not only have I been belting teeny-bopper songs, I have spent time watching ICarly, Big Time Rush, Jonas LA, and Diary of a Wimpy Kid. It all started because I was a nanny and, of course, spending a majority of my time with children... but now I have been guilty of watching these shows on my own time, by my own choice, and enjoying it thoroughly.
-I have been getting the greatest joy out of swinging. I can't think of anything I'd rather do on a sunny afternoon than enjoy a swingset under a tree. Some of my swinging highlights this summer include: Swinging after a long run, with my ipod in and going as high as I could. Swinging at Park of Roses with Sam and Olivia. Going to the Centerburg park and swinging underneath the huge tree there... dreaming of bringing my husband there one day just because it's part of my childhood.

I'm a sucker for language
-I think we spend too much time worrying about what words are "good" and "bad." I think words carry the ability to portray a lot, and we sometimes miss it in the jumble. I enjoy learning new words from people, and hearing phrases and habits they possess. There is beauty in words, but it is often hidden.

I'm a sucker for drinks
-From bubble tea from Poochi or ZenCha (MOMO2?) to a wonderful wine at a great friends wedding (Chenin Blanc... thanks Mr. and Mrs. Jacobs :) ) to a green tea frap, the point is when I splurge, it's usually on a good drink.

I'm a sucker for plaid
-Just like I told a friend a couple weeks ago... all guys just look better in plaid! (Take note that he asked to then go shopping for plaid shirts) I'm getting excited about the changing weather, and the opportunity to wear plaid myself.

I'm a sucker for adventure
-Who would have thought I'd have the strongest desire to ride a motorcycle... and then absolutely love it when I get to ride? I just want to live an adventure.

I'm a sucker for longing for more
-I have found this in all my relationships... I always want more- more depth, more time, more memories. I have seen this in my walk with the Lord the past few months. Though some seasons have been stronger than others, there has been a longing in me to tap into the greatness of God. I was really challenged early this summer with how much I take for granted when it comes to loving the Lord. I have learned to expect more from God. By that I mean I believe He can come to us, answer prayers, and be as real as we allow Him to be. Thank God He is so much bigger than the ways I often limit Him.

I'm a sucker for having my windows down
-For real, I can't think of anything better than driving with the windows down and music turned up. I have gone many days without having to dry or style my hair because I just let the wind dry it while I'm driving. I have also had a few opportunities to sing to the car next to me at a stop light without being aware of it...

I'm a sucker for culture
-I am fascinated by how much diversity exists in our world... and even just in Columbus. This summer I got to explore culture though a few dance lessons, conversations, and just interactions with new friends. This may be why I'm so driven to travel and experience the world. Gosh, I just want to soak it up.

I'm a sucker for atmosphere
-Put me in a fun atmosphere and I'm content. Some of my favorite summer atmospheres include: Bodega, the Iuka House, Travonna, High St. in general. This also includes the outdoors I have loved so much this summer- sunrises, long runs, woods with animals, jumping on a trampoline. The outdoors are really wonderful.

I'm a sucker for time to myself
-This is a new one in my life. I can't remember ever enjoying alone time like I have this summer. It has been really refreshing actually. I have cried by myself, laughed out loud to myself, and done things that I used to think were never to be done alone: ie going out to dinner, browsing the shops on high st , going to church.

I'm a sucker for Sundays
-This is a loaded one. First of all, I'm a sucker for Vineyard Columbus. To be honest, I didn't really like VC when I first went last year. The more I am there, though, the more I want to be there as much as possible. I seriously hate missing service. I love the things that are happening in the community and around the world. I also love worshiping in such a diverse group of believers... it's amazing how a common bond in Jesus can bring together so many souls.
-Sundays have had a wonderful routine this summer: Church, Starbucks, Joshua House, Chipotle. I look forward to this routine all week long. Mainly because it always turns out fun, I love seeing people, and even with the best of intentions... I never get through my to do list at Starbucks... mainly because of the next point-

I'm a sucker for conversations with strangers
-I straight up THRIVE on this. Usually I meet someone new in Starbucks, thus not getting my journaling or reading done. I believe, though, conversations are worth it :) I love meeting new people and hearing their stories... from the man I met who is a financial planner for Vyard, to the man who runs an exotic animal educational program, to friends of friends from Joshua House... there is always a story to share. I also have loved meeting people at Iuka and other parties... It is so fun to be surrounded by passionate people who are going against the norm to live out their lives. That inspiration is irreplacable. Then there's meeting people while watching the OSU football game... How about that, Olivia... and she has to remind me that not everyone is looking for just a friendly conversation. I can be naive sometimes... which leads me to my last and favorite point

I'm a sucker for incredible friends
-My summer has been what it is because I have been able to share it with people I love doing life with. I love still being so close to Kelly, my high school best friend that has carried on through the years. Just tonight, even, we attempted P90x yoga... and we were partially successful but sometimes our laughter just broke the calm mood... we probably burned more calories that way anyways, though. I have spent countless hours sharing life with Olivia and Sam. I really can't compare the fun we've had to anything else. I have also been able to make a lot of new friendships and grow in some that I didn't even expect.
-Best friends always know what to say, even if it's just "What the hell?!" And I really love that.
-It's great to be able to share your dumbest thoughts
-It's great to have support when you do something that was probably stupid...
-It's great to have support when you do something really wonderful
-It's great to look at one another and not have to say a word... but just bust out laughing

Renewal

Today I could not take my eyes off the sunshine. I was amazed to walk outside and feel it beating down on my back. I was amazed to look up at the sky and see clearness and beauty. I was loving even the sight of the brown dead grass on the ground...all because it leads me to think about renewal.

I woke up today feeling so privileged to be filled with the joy of the Lord. It is not a privilege I can take lightly, for I have been entrusted with the joy of the Lord to share with others on my path. In recent days I have been considering the importance of the beaten path. It is not only our responsibility to care about the injustices that are dominant all around the world, but it is important for us to pour our efforts and passions into the beaten paths of our daily lives. We can speak renewal into others. Honestly, it is easier for me to care about and proclaim the injustices that reign afar. It is more difficult to see what is right in front of me, and to remember that God's purpose for me to be at this place at this time is greater than my perspective can give light to.

Today we began interviews for new SGA members. This was a reminder of renewal for me. It is a bit sad, because after two years of service, I will be moving on and hoping I can leave enough to positively impact those who are following. It is coming up on the end of a journey for me, but the exciting thing is I believe God will redirect and renew my passions for leadership and channel it in a new way- a way I have yet to see.

Spring is such a testament of renewal. From the brown grass that will soon flourish and turn it's beautiful shade of green, to becoming reacquainted with sunny days and those bright rays that seem to make everyone more joyful, to the sound of the birds that will be adorning our windows and the trees outside our apartment...so much renewal is coming to life.

I've never considered just how perfect the time of Lent and the Resurrection are. We are in a time of dying to ourselves, weeding out bad habits, and coming to terms with our need for the Lord. Just as the earth is still facing it's patterns of death, so are our souls. There is encouragement in that time, though, because we know the resurrection is soon to come! Just as Jesus rises from the grave after a tragic death, we too can be resurrected. We are able to overcome the death and focus on life-giving patterns in our lives. Through recent changes and uncertainties in my life, I have been evaluating my own patterns, what drives me, and where I focus my time. I often spend so much time worrying, that I forsake the gift of each day...I forget to be a blessing to others and breathe life into them because I am caught up in an attempt to control situations that I have no power over. I see this in my relationships, my job search, my classes... while I may have a long way to go, it is so exciting to know that God is revealing these death habits to me so that I may be free from them and free to live in the peace and joy of new life. I have no idea where that takes me in many situations, but as I have been meditating on, God promises to be our companion through each step. I want to take the steps He directs, because I want to live in harmony with Him.

I have been reading Henri Nouwen's Life of the Beloved. I can say that God's truths have become so near to me through this. When I think about my desire to live a life of service, this has meant a lot to me:
"I can give that gift only insofar as I have claimed it for myself"
So that's what I'm doing, that's what I'm focusing on- allowing myself to be the beloved. To be filled and completed through the love of a perfect Savior whose love has nothing to do with how well I love Him back.

My soul is restless until it rests in you, O God.

May you be the beloved- may you live in the renewal of the spirit that guides us and allows us to embark in life-giving patterns and a path to righteousness.

Light for the next step is meaning a lot to me right now. It's requiring patience and faith from me. Here is the start of 2010, the year I graduate and must take the next step of faith in the course of my life. Granted there is plenty to enjoy before that-the last semester of college, the times with friends, adventures-but there is always lingering in my mind the question of where I will journey after this.

My dreams are endless or as Owl City puts it, "bursting at the seams." I believe that living a life in God's will means living extraordinary. Not necessarily in the sense of extravagant or even recognizable, but something outside of ourselves and outside of anything we could accomplish on our own. It is incredible to think I don't have to limit myself to my own abilities, but walking with God opens doors to things I can't even imagine. That is exciting, but it's also quite frightening. It's strange to think that my life's purpose could lie in something I have not even pondered before.

I am pursuing the next steps the best I can. I have went through an interview process for Teach For America. I have hopes of getting a job with TFA and having the opportunity to teach in a low-income setting. It just seems to encompass so many opportunities to empower others-to reach out to children who need encouragement, and to challenge myself to grow at the same time.

Empowering others is the only direction I feel very affirmed in so far. I feel a call to use everything I receive in life to encourage and empower others to excel. I feel called to be humble, to be a resource, and to show others the abilities they have within themselves and with the Lord. I just keep praying God will continue to pave my way and make it known to me. Though I sometimes pray for immediate direction, I know God doesn't work that way, and hey, it wouldn't be as exciting if He did. Therefore, I'm trying to embrace this time of uncertainty and all it has to offer for me.

In the latest MVNU NOW magazine, I was privileged with the opportunity to write about my time in Kenya. That, along with the many pictures I have received as gifts and the opportunities to continue sharing my story has put Kenya on my heart so much lately. I don't think a day goes by without my heart being drawn to it. I long to find what purpose that has in my life. I admire the African life in many ways, and I see many ways in which the poverty leaves room for a lot of work that still needs to be done. I believe God will keep this in my heart throughout my life-whether that means I will return there to work with building leadership within the villages, or whether that means I work to raise awareness or work hard to have the means to provide for an orphanage or something of the like....I don't know, but I am filled with ideas and dreams.

Reading through The Last Lecture this past week, I have felt enabled by my dreams. So often we write them off as distant and unobtainable, but I have allowed myself to challenge that idea. I have always dreamed of helping people, of living a life worth telling a story of and of experiencing the world. I'm not letting go of those dreams, but have learned that sometimes they are shaped in ways that do not fit the box I once made for them. That is our God- He is surprising and above our thoughts, and that is so admirable.

On New Years' Eve I spent hours until 6:30 am dialoguing with friends. There is much to be said about the wisdom and experiences we are able to share with one another. We worked through the idea of faith, the fact that we will never KNOW all the answers to the mystery of God, and the importance of evaluating just why we believe what we do. After all, if we are modeling our lives after something, we better be putting our intelligence and heart into that. It is refreshing to know that I have the ability to doubt, to step back and question things, and to come from that more and more amazed by my Savior. Truth is, I believe because I have seen glimpses of hope in the midst of despair. I know that humans are so flawed. I know that without a God, there is little hope. I know that there IS hope and I can be apart of that only because I have the love and strength of a Father who has enabled me. This hope is why I believe I can pursue my dreams, I can dream big, and I can know that God has instilled these dreams in me so that I can work towards serving Him in the gifts and abilities He has given me. I am determining to not put my dreams in a box, but to work hard and see the hand of God and the hope he provides in ways that I would never expect.