I realized today I'm really a terrible blogger. I'm inconsistent and not very good at remembering to visit my blog often. I am, though, an avid journaler. That being said, I have filled journals recently and documented the changes in my life as much as possible. I love reading back through the progression of certain situations and my overall spirit in general. It's fascinating to me how much I have changed over the past few months. It's also fascinating to me how much I am the same little girl I was 15 years ago.
I long to change the world. I know it is a cliche saying, but I have a burning desire within me to do something radical, unexpected, something I cannot do my my own might but by which the power of the Lord is completely glorified. I believe in my dreams and believe in my passion. I believe, above that, God has created me with this unsettling feeling and drive to live that out. The downfall in that is my tendency to be unsatisfied and discontent. While I tend to be a pretty positive person overall, usually what and what I am doing doesn't ever seem to be enough. Right now, for example, I am giving the majority of my time to working as a server, going to the gym, and being at church/small group/with friends. I believe each of those things are good. I believe each of those has been gifted by God. I feel, though, like I am not fully utilizing my talents and passions.
This leads me to wonder if my dissatisfaction is rooted in God's calling for me as something "bigger and better" or if my dissatisfaction is a weakness of mine to not remain content in whatever state I am in. Sometimes I believe God wants me to be able to look at my situation and just be content for the time being... trusting that His will eventually will take me down new and different paths.
A lot has changed in my life and planning over the past couple of months. (I began typing that my choice to pass up a trip to England has been the biggest change... but on second thought I don't think that's so true). My decision to put off a trip to England, though, was a difficult and humbling time. With 2 months pseudo planned out, I was ready to pack my bags, organize finances and get on the plane from NYC to London. With about a week to go, I realized my uneasiness and the lack of peace and excitement I had. This led to days of crying on the floor...praying God would speak and be real to me. This came with many conversations with people close to my heart and a need to step back and look at the big picture (one of my weaknesses). I knew God would bless my trip if I decided to go, but I also knew He was putting it on my heart to stay around here... work on relationships and explore the blessings I have found in Columbus. In retrospect, I am yet to regret my decision to stay even though I am not where I thought I would be in many ways. God must really not want me to leave this city because even my 4 day trip to Nashville was not successful as my car broke down the night before I planned on leaving... that was actually more disappointing to me than the Europe expedition.
Returning to the thoughts of change... so much has happened within my head and heart as of late. I am continually learning how flawed and human I am. I am selfish. I am often a controller. I am scared. I am scarred. I am prideful. I am jealous. I am extremely irrational. I am human. The past couple of weeks I have seen this in the spotlight. Working on new relationships and growing in those already established... I have been fighting my flesh to be a lover, giver, listener, happy-for-others kind of girl. It's scary how difficult it can be to be vulnerable and trusting. Its crazy to see how many walls I have put up inside of myself. It's frightening to know that we all have brokenness that will forever be apart of our story. Its wild to know that God wants to protect me...my heart, my mind, my existence. It's refreshing to have a hand of a mighty Lord out at all times... offering redemption and fulfillment of voids and pains that have been left.
I have not praised the Lord as I should recently. I have not trusted Him well. I have not been filled with conviction. I have lacked fervor and fascination. I have been trying to be a "thinker" and a "rationalist." In the midst of this... I have been so impressed by the ways God has continually laid things on my heart... opened doors at the right times... given me words of encouragement and challenge from others. Even on the days I can't quire figure out how the Lord is present in this ugly and broken world, He has been there. He has been strong. He has been shining so brightly through beautiful people and beautiful situations.
I'm still struggling to figure out the brokenness of the world and many hearts around me. I know the typical church-y answer is "there is brokenness because we are sinful people." That's all fine and well but sometimes it just doesn't cut it for me. I want DEPTH. I want to MOURN. I want to see people CRYING OUT to the Lord in desperation and need. I want to know that God is tender and His heart is broken over the pain we experience. I want to know that "Thy Kingdom Come" is not just something we teach our children to say before bed but is a call to be Jesus, to be heaven on earth in every way possible. Isn't that our calling, after all? To bring heaven to earth in any way possible?
It would be hypocritical of me to say how frustrated I get with Christians living so comfortably and being satisfied with going to church and putting up a verse as their facebook status every once in awhile... because I know I'm not living it out as I should, but it is tough. Discouraging. Enough to piss me off and send me into a frenzy at times. I have been blessed to be apart of communities of people who are calling out to Jesus and following the call of Jesus... and I guess I can only try to extend that in my own life and extend an invitation to others to join me. This ties back in with my dissatisfaction right now... and maybe it's a call to myself to step up, step out and stop pushing aside the areas in my life that I know I can be more and give more.
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